We meet someone new and, almost immediately begin to form an impression. A few words, a look, a way of standing or a familiar manner can remind us of someone we already know. Before long we may have a sense of who we think this person is.

But a first impression is not the same as knowing someone.

Psychologists call one part of this process social categorisation. we sort people into groups or types to make the social world easier to understand. It happens quickly and often without conscious intention. A category might be based on someone’s age, job, manner, beliefs or the way they remind us of somebody else. The category can help us make sense of an encounter, but it can also narrow what we notice. We put them in a "box" that appears to fit.

We begin with what the person actually says or does. Then our own experiences and associations help us interpret it. If someone reminds us of a critical parent, a former partner or a person who once let us down, we may respond to the echo as much as to the person in front of us. The “box” we make can therefore tell us something about them, but it may also reflect what we bring to the relationship.

Once an impression takes hold, it can influence what happens next. We might look for signs that confirm our view and overlook signs that challenge it. We may also treat the person in ways that invite a particular response. If we expect someone to be hostile, for example, we may become guarded; they may then become guarded too. That reaction can feel like proof of what we thought at the start.

This does not mean every first impression is wrong, or that we can know exactly what is happening in another person’s mind, or that our actions cause their behaviour. Our impressions can be useful, and people’s behaviour matters. But an impression is still a partial view, shaped by the situation and by the person doing the observing.

Psychodynamic thinking offers another way to consider this. Projection describes, broadly, the attribution to someone else of feelings or qualities that are difficult to recognise as one’s own. Projective identification is a possible outcome of a strong Projection. This is where a relational process in which a person not only experiences another through a particular expectation, but also relates to them in a way that may draw them towards that role or a box.  The same box that you reminded them of initially.

The image of a box can still be helpful. We may sense that someone sees us as a certain kind of person. The difficult one, the strong one, the one who always copes, the one who cannot be trusted. Sometimes we feel pulled to defend ourselves, to prove them wrong or to play the part they seem to expect. 

Noticing that pull can give us a moment to ask, 

Is this who I understand myself to be, or is this a role I feel expected to take on?

That moment does not, can not, give us control over how other people see us. We cannot insist that everyone understand us fully, and we may still face the consequences of being misread. But another person’s picture of us is not the whole of who we are. We can question the label, offer a different account of ourselves, or simply choose not to organise our identity around it.

And this freedom applies in both directions. If we notice ourselves putting someone else in a box, we can pause and become curious again. What have I actually observed? What am I assuming? What might I be missing? The aim is not to stop making sense of people. It is to remember that no category can contain an entire person.

Perhaps one psychological freedom is to recognise the a box, understand the associations that built it, and decide whether we want to step inside.

We need not step inside, that is our choice. They are simply inviting us in.

Author
Shane Cox
Therapsit / Counsellor