Why we keep repeating behaviours that hurt us

If I know a behaviour is causing me harm, why do I keep doing it?

Recognising a pattern can leave us frustrated. We can see the damage it causes, yet find ourselves responding in much the same way again. One way to begin making sense of this is to consider what the behaviour has been doing for us, and where we learned it.

Learning how to get by

Our experiences help shape how we behave. We learn that some responses bring approval, while others help us avoid trouble or keep people at a distance. A way of behaving can become familiar because it helps us get something we need.

The benefit may be easy to recognise, such as praise or attention. It may also be the relief of feeling safer. A response can serve a purpose in one situation and become a source of difficulty in another.

This is one way to understand the term maladaptive behaviour. It describes a pattern that causes problems in our present circumstances, even though it may once have helped us manage.

The role of the rescuer

In my video, I use myself as an example. As a firefighter and a counsellor, I can recognise a rescuer role in the work I have chosen. Looking back, I can also see a connection with being rewarded for being the good boy. Being helpful could bring praise and approval.

There is value in helping other people. The difficulty comes when we find ourselves repeatedly taking on a role that costs us more than we can afford, or when stepping out of it becomes uncomfortable.

We can begin by asking what we get from that role. Does being useful bring a sense of acceptance? What happens when we cannot help, or when someone does not need us? Those questions can help us understand why a familiar way of behaving has such a hold.

When anger offers protection

Anger is another example from my own life. I grew up in a violent neighbourhood, where appearing tough could keep people away. Presenting myself as more confident and capable than I felt was a way of protecting myself.

Underneath that presentation was fear. There was a younger part of me that did not want to be hurt. Anger helped me conceal that vulnerability and discourage people from approaching.

That response made sense in the circumstances where I learned it. Later, in different surroundings, the same response could create problems at work or in relationships. The behaviour could continue even when the situation called for something else.

That is my experience. It will not explain everybody's anger, and it does not mean that present circumstances should be ignored. It does show why asking what anger is protecting can sometimes be useful.

Understanding what the behaviour does

If we focus only on stopping a behaviour, we may overlook the need it has been meeting. We can start by paying attention to what happens before it, what we do, and what changes immediately afterwards.

Perhaps anger creates distance when we feel threatened. Perhaps helping someone brings approval we are afraid of losing. The behaviour may have consequences we dislike while still providing something that matters to us.

A useful question is: what am I protecting or looking for here? We can then ask whether that response still fits the situation we are in today.

Finding a different response

Understanding a pattern is a starting point. Change also involves finding other ways to respond to the need underneath it. If anger has been helping us keep people away, for example, we might need to practise expressing a boundary before the anger escalates.

Knowing where a behaviour comes from does not automatically make it disappear. It gives us something specific to work with. Counselling can provide a place to examine these patterns and consider different responses.

The question I return to at the end of the video is whether the behaviour is still needed today. What has it been doing for me, and do I still need it in this form?

Watch the accompanying video: Maladaptive Behaviours